I'm Still Here

Happy New Year, folks.

I know it's been a few weeks since I've checked in, but it happens.

My hard drive crashed. This was the third hard drive that this computer has been through. Like I fool, I did not back up my data. I've been busy with Dell, and I will continue to be busy with them. I'm glad I bought the extended warranty. I've had this computer for 26 months, and have been through a new CD/DVD player, speakers, 3 hard drives, etc. I'm now on hard drive number 4 and I think my 2nd motherboard. They also just replaced the bottom of the laptop and the mouse pad, including the entire top of the laptop. Needless to say, it's been a hassle. The data part is my fault, but damn...3 hard drives in 26 months?? Inexcusable.

I was in Tampa for a few days, visiting a good friend and her family. She's the friend that drove over specifically for Mom's funeral, and the night she got in (the night before the funeral), she cleaned my house for me while I was frantically packing to spend a few nights with Dad since he had broken his foot. I'm glad I went. I needed to be around a family, since I don't really feel like I have a cohesive family unit anymore. It's not a criticism, but Mom was our glue. We just don't operate the way we used to. It's nice to see a family's rhythm of life, intertwined with their love for each other.

I went to the cemetery on the anniversary of Mom's death, Dec. 22. My father had what I consider a meltdown on Dec. 24, which was the date of Mom's interment. He really frightened me. Dealing with Mom's death and everything that goes with that loss is hard enough, but then add in a broken foot (which doesn't seem to have healed properly) and treatments for his cancer, which includes hormone shots that turns off his testosterone, he just is overwhelmed. I love him so much. I don't know what I'd do if he didn't stick around, even though he drives me nuts sometimes!

A good friend of mine was surprised by her husband walking out on her about a week or so before Christmas. Schmuck. She is totally flabbergasted. I think something is wrong with him, but I don't know what it is. Whatever it is, I'd like to give him a swift kick in the head. Both of them.

I think I've put about 8 lbs or so on since the last weight ticker update. I haven't weighed in at the center since November, but I am trying desperately to get back on track. I went for a walk today - I walked for almost 1.5 hours. I bought a Fitbit, and it tracked 8,978 steps for that walk. Then I came home and after showering, I promptly set about eating my way through the afternoon. Happy New Year to me! Not.

I can feel myself consciously sabotaging myself. I sit there and eat those damn crackers and cheeses, and question why I can't seem to stop the compulsion.

I got a two names of counselors, but one doesn't take my insurance and the other has some complaints against him with the state. So the hunt continues.

I'm hoping that I use this new year to make positive changes for myself. I never seem to achieve any of the goals I set for myself, and then I beat myself up. So maybe goals aren't a good idea for me right now. Maybe living each day the best I can is the best I can do for myself right now.