It's funny how fast life changes. Last year, on 10/10/09, I posted a normal post - full of stories, and there was still hopefullness, particularly about weight.
Two days later, things changed.
Then it got worse.
And continued down that path.
It was a rocky path.
It had some revelations.
Some major unfairly raised expectations.
The path finally had a name.
How do I mark time? Do I go by the date she went to the hospital for the first time, or the day of the week? Yesterday was the day (Monday) but today was the date (10/12). It is now 70 days from the anniversary of the tumor discovery to the date of death (12/22).
I'm still so pissed off. I suck it up, carry on, and try to live a life that would make Mom proud. It just doesn't seem like much of a life without her. Plus, she wouldn't be pleased that I'm only four pounds less than I was this time last year. However, I'd probably be convincing her that at least I've essentially maintained. Splitting hairs, I guess. I'd gain that 50 pounds back in a heartbeat if I knew it would bring Mom back.
I've decided that I'm not going to the weekly bereavement group anymore - at least, for a long time. I don't wak out of there feeling any better.
I had a dream a few weeks ago. I was standing somewhere - I don't know where - my house, her house, one of our older houses...and she showed up, hugged me, held me, and all I could do was cry, "Where have you been?? You've been gone a year!" She just hugged me and rocked me.
I find that I'm talking to myself a lot, but as if I was Mom. I did something silly this evening, and I said, out loud, "Oh Michelle, don't screw it up!"
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52 minutes ago
I am so sorry to read all this. I can somewhat sympathize, as I lost my dad earlier this year. Hard. Very hard.
ReplyDeleteSouth Beach Steve
*Hugs* to you Michelle. Losing a parent is life altering and the fact that you have been able to maintain all this time is actually good.
ReplyDeleteI did a grief group online when my dad died and it helped but after awhile it wasn't so I stopped it. I was thankful for the resource though.
Hang in there Michelle! Your momma is looking down on you and smiling. She is proud of you!
she may of visited you in that dream.spirits i belive can visit there loved ones they left behind.i dont mean shes a ghost but she is a spirit now cuse she no longer lives in a body.she might of visited you in that dream cuse we are more supsetiple to spirit interation when we are sleeping or in the between state of sleep and awake.she probably came to give you the hug you needed and to show you shes still there watching over you.shell never be really gone.you are doing very good with all this though.your gonna be fine
ReplyDeleteGrieving takes more time and attention than anyone who has not had to do it thinks. My mom and Da both died with cancer. And sometimes I miss them so much I cannot even have a complete thought. I just cry - and it has been years - many years. And life as we know it and want it to be takes up more time and attention in between bouts of sadness. At least that is how it has been for me. The first year of grieving is not about transforming your body - it is already about transforming your whole life. Take the time to pay attention to the thoughts and feelings - maybe journal them, draw pictures, write your mom a letter - or sixteen. it is life changing because it is important.
ReplyDeleteIt deserves center stage for as long as you need it there. Maintaining weight as you have while grieving can be a huge accomplishment for some of us.
Thanks everyone. Rawbel, you are so right about the first year transforming your whole life. I am extremely grateful that I've maintained over the last year. I feel like it's the only good thing that's come out of such a miserable experience, but again, I'm grateful for the maintenance. Funny how it's been crossing my mind a lot lately that I'd gain everything back in a heartbeat if it only meant that Mom would still be here. Then I remind myself that she's not coming back, so why dishonor her by gaining back everything she was so proud of me getting rid of?
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