August 25...Another First

Mom should have been 66 years old today. Instead, last night, when Dad called to have our usual evening chat, he ended up sobbing that instead of lighting a memorial candle, he should have been lighting a birthday candle.

I told him to think of it as a birthday candle because if Mom had never been born, we would have never had the joy of knowing and loving her.

Yesterday, in anticipation of a crappy day today and a sabotage-like feeling for my weigh in on Thursday, I ate Mac & cheese at lunch and had too much cheese with crackers at dinner.

Food-wise, I did fine today. When I got home tonight is when I did myself in. More cheese & crackers. I had stopped buying that stuff for a while, but now I seem to be digging myself a hole, and I'm not happy with myself. Until yesterday, I had been anticipating a good weigh in tomorrow, and actively working towards it. I know some of it is PMS and another part is just energy-sucking grief. Tomorrow is a new day though, and all is not lost. Some piece of good news...this maintaining is showing me that I can maintain...and my blood work is now excellent. My doctor kept threatening me that I was going to become diabetic, but every time my numbers get better. Last time my triglycerides were a little high, but my overall cholesterol was good. We didn't know why they were high. This time, they were well within the normal range and the overall cholesterol was excellent.

Back to Mom. I left work early today to go to the cemetery. It closes at 4 on weekdays and 3:30 on Sunday. It's closed on Saturday. I got there with 30 minutes to spare. I'm not one to talk to stones, so I sat on the bench for a few minutes and read the other stones around Mom's place. She's in a temporary spot until our mausoleum’s construction is complete. I can't believe we bought the damn spots 2 years ago. I remember thinking, "Gosh, I hope we don't need these soon." Fuck!

Anyway, I was trying to think about what I would want on Mom's stone. What would she want? Nothing fancy. But, I want the world to know, 20 yrs, 50 yrs, 100 yrs, or 1500 yrs when they're excavating an ancient civilization that my mother was an extraordinary woman. I know that I want, "READ!" on the stone, perhaps on an angle - something a little jazzy. Mom loved to read, and she taught me how to read & write. I could read well long before I was in kindergarten (dang...36 years ago). I had my Kindle in my purse, so I decided that the best thing I could do, if I was going to sit there, was to read. I turned on the Kindle and settled in on the bench, and that's what I did for the next half hour. I know it seems weird to relax and read in a cemetery, but it felt right to me.

After the cemetery closed, I make a quick stop at a farmer's market about 1/2 mile south of the cemetery. It was my first time there, and it was as nice as I heard it was. I picked up a few bell peppers, a jicima, some onion relish and light salad dressing, both made by the market. When I left the market, I went to Dad's. He grilled a steak, and I made a potato in the microwave and stir-fried some broccoli. The meal was good. I didn't overeat...I waited until I got home to do that.

We didn't talk much about Mom. We both just remarked about life not being normal anymore. I'm glad Dad didn't start crying. I wouldn't have been able to stop myself from crying too, and we can't both do it at the same time.

I'm learning that perhaps I'm not the greatest of friends. I have some people in my life that are going through crappy times right now, mostly dealing with shitty family relationships. I get angry because these people have their families, and they treat my friends like shit. What really gets under my skin though, is the anger and toxicity I hear in some of their voices. It's too much for me to handle right now, and I wonder if I've sounded like that. I sure hope not. If I have, and these people stood by me, then I'm a crappier friend than I originally thought. I can handle being supportive and listening when someone needs to talk. But the vitriol that comes out just makes me feel oppressed and suffocated. I keep thinking that Mom went through my entire life, and I never heard crap like this out of her mouth. Not to say that people didn't upset her or that she never got a little touchy, but NEVER like this. I don't know how to handle it. I have one friend trying to pull me into the family drama by reading a 4 page letter that is 5 years old that her mother finally gave her. The letter was written to her mother by her mother's son-in-law. It's vicious. Now my friend is going to write a letter back. I don't know how many more times I can politely say, "No, I'm not going to read the letter." "No, I don't need to read the letter." "No, please, don't read it to me." At some point, I'm going to crack and sound just as nasty as the letter!!! The things she did read to me before she finally listened to me say NOOOO...were not untrue. Unfortunately, the words used were over the top, and the fact that the SIL wrote that to his MIL about her other daughter and husband...NOT COOL...but not wrong in his observations. I have friends that don't want to hang out with this particular friend because of the same behaviors he described in the letter. The bad part is, she's got so many other fantastic qualities, but this situation is bringing out the worst in each other.

I'm not one to not stand up for myself, but when it comes to family, I tend to vent to my friends about things rather than try to be "right" or win every debate. It bothers me that we're all adults and we can't seem to just let things go. Sometimes, things just don't matter. They especially don't matter to me now that I don't have Mom anymore.

This is the first August 25 of my life without Mom. It sucks.