Normalcy

I cannot thank everyone enough for all your kind words of support and sympathy. You really have no idea how much it means to me. Just know that it means a great deal. Once a family loses its matriarch, compass, glue...whatever you want to call it, it's all too easy to get distracted from what really matters. I know that our family will never have the kind of normalcy that we had with Mom again. I know that over time, we will develop a new family dynamic, but it will always be colored with how Mom wanted things, and what she wanted for us as a family. To me, it's the best way we can honor her life and memory.

I am exhausted. I've slept every night, all night through, but I wake up exhausted. I guess that is what grief and stress do to you. TMI, but while Mom was ill, I spotted for almost a month straight even though I'm on the pill, and the doc told me to double the pills. That's gone now. I also developed more gray hair. Today as of noon the gray is gone, too (just Mom would have wanted)! I have been considering getting a tattoo in honor of Mom, but since she did not like tattoos, I decided the next best thing would be to put a streak of her hair color in mine. So now I have a single streak of ORANGE in my hair...it should have been red. In dim light it looks fine. In bright light, it looks ORANGE. So, I will be getting that corrected. In any event, even though the shade is a bit off, I still love it. I even made Dad smile.

Tomorrow I'm taking Dad to the doc to discuss more cancer treatment. Then he wants me to clean out Mom's vanity; he'll work on his office. We will also be working on getting out some of the 100+ thank you cards that we need to send out. I think I've got a system set up to make it easy for him; hopefully it will work.

Dad had a "lucky break" with his foot - turns out that he does not need surgery. He will have a cast for a minimum of six weeks. So although his mobility is limited (he can't use crutches and the walker is hard for him, too), at least now that there is no surgery his cancer treatment should not be impacted.

One other good piece of news...I dropped some more weight. 52 baby!! Mom is usually the first person I call when I leave the wellness center. Today, I called no one.

Saying Goodbye

First, to all my readers to celebrate Christmas, I hope you have a merry one.

Today was Mom's funeral service and entombment. It had to be the hardest day of my life...but I've been kept so busy, and will continue to be kept busy for at least another week, that I don't think that the enormity of our loss has totally hit me yet.

Dad broke his foot last night in two places, so I've moved in temporarily to help him deal with not only the loss of Mom but his new physical limitation. He'll see an orthopedic specialist on Monday.

220 people signed the guest book at the service. I've only been to one other funeral where maybe that many people came, and it was for the teenage daughter of a coworker. The rabbi did a wonderful job. I actually got up and spoke. Amazingly, I held it together. I was kept so busy yesterday that I didn't get to write down what I wanted to say until 1 a.m., and I worked on it until 2 a.m. I've been up since 6:30. I choked up once or twice, but didn't lose it. My sister did not speak, but she made the decision before I wrote my speech, so I made sure to include thoughts and remembrances that were important to her. I asked her to read it before the service, and she had no changes.

Mom was always happy to celebrate everyone else’s accomplishments, birthdays, milestones, etc., but she was always uncomfortable with being the center of attention. Today, we are celebrating her life; my sister, father, and I thank you all for being here today.

You are going to hear a lot about what a wonderful person Mom was. She was a great teacher, friend, daughter, wife, mother, grandmother.

Mom taught R and me how to read and WRITE – I would not be as good at what I do if it wasn’t for Mom teaching me how to write – she drilled in to us – WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN WHY AND HOW. I’m hoping that when we leave here today, you’ll get a sense of the WHO WHAT WHERE WHEN WHY and HOW of (MOM).

Our house was always full of love. Every action she took, every word she spoke, came from love. She chose a fabulous husband to be the father of her children. R and I hit the jackpot when it came to parents.

I’m going to tell you some things you may already know about Mom’s personality, but you might be surprised about how her persona shaped our family, and R and I individually.

#1 – She was creative. What you don’t know is how creative she was at waking me up, and I am NOT a morning person. She opened the shades, pulled the covers off, and as a last resort, sprinkled water OR put Barney on me – the pit bull cockatiel that adored her and hated everyone else.

#2 – She was mischievous. Working at the kitchen sink with her was sometimes a challenge. She was quite good at flicking water or turning the water off when R or I were working there. Somehow, she always managed to surprise us. We were both gullible I guess. She was also good at turning off the light and leaving you in the dark, laughing as she’d say “Oops” and continue on her way.

#3 – She meant what she said, and she said what she meant. For instance, I’d get 2 directions that I needed to put my shoes away. The 3^rd time was a promise, not a threat, that my shoes would be on the front lawn. I will tell you from experience that she always followed through. Another example is cleaning out my dresser drawers. I’d get “X” amount of warnings, and then as promised, I’d find my belongings on the floor of my bedroom, all my drawers open and empty and believe me when I tell you that I was not going outside to play or go to bed if that junk wasn’t taken care of. As soon as last week, I told Mom that I needed for her to tell me to clean my closet or it wasn’t going to happen. Maybe R won’t mind picking up that reminder task for me.

#4 – Mom couldn’t cut a straight line. She kept trying, but R and I learned early never to let her near us with scissors – and you wouldn’t blame us if you saw the pictures.

#5 – Mom was a mind reader. Mom could read our minds – and sometimes we could read hers, too. For instance, when Dad is telling a story of some sort, and he says, “What do I always say?” and because there are so many “Dadisms”, she would know R and I were confused about which one to pick. She would look at us and laugh, asking him, “Which one?” She would pick up on an inflection in our voices, and she knew instantly what to say and how to say it.

#6 – Mom was fun. She didn’t believe in boredom. Even bedtime was fun time. For instance, when it was time for R to go to bed, she’d walk with R to her room, singing “boop-ed-y boop-ed-y boop” and then stop so R would walk into the back of her. Somehow she made the most mundane car trips “exciting”. She came up with the brilliant game of who could stay quietest the longest, and whoever spoke first, lost. Who do you think lost the most frequently? She also bribed us to do homework during summer vacation on our trips; we got money to spend on the trip and she felt better knowing that when we returned to school in the fall we would not be at the bottom of the class.

#7 – Mom was comfort. She was always ready to hug. If we cried, she cried inside. If we had a bad day, she had a bad day. If someone made us mad or hurt us, she got mad and hurt, too. But she also taught us how to stand up for ourselves. If we were happy, she was happy. I remember one night, a little over 5 years ago, when I had a terrible day. I talked to her around 5 pm. She told me to stop by on my way home. I really just wanted to go home and get in my PJs, but I stopped over, and she had my favorite meal waiting for me as a surprise. It wasn’t the food that made me feel better, it was her thoughtfulness and comfort, just sitting across the table from me, that made me feel better. When I had a headache, if she put her hand on my head, I always felt better. Just her voice, saying “Hello” on the phone made me feel better.

Finally, Mom knew when to stop talking; which is what I will do now; if I don’t stop now, I won’t stop for hours. There is not enough time in the day to tell you all about the little things and big things she’s done for us. She made us her life work; she led our family by example, with simple respect and dignity, colored with humor. Honestly, I don’t think Mom’s job is done but we’ll do our best to try to make her proud, and lead a decent and happy life like she wanted for us.

I tried not to read what I wrote word for word, and I think I was OK. My sister and Dad had never heard me speak publically before (other than when at a school recital or something like that, but that was more than 20 years ago at the most recent) and they couldn’t believe what a decent speaker I am (that doesn’t sound right, but I’m so tired that I can’t get everything down the way it needs to be). Mom was the first person I went to when I needed to practice a presentation for work, and although I recently became a competent communicator through Toastmasters, I’ve been doing this kind of thing for years…about insurance, not the woman I love the most in this world. It’s different speaking publically when you’re trying not to sob your heart out. I hope I honored Mom the way she deserved.

Dad also spoke. He was really concerned that he was not going to be able to do it, but he pulled it off. He not only has a broken foot and refused to take painkillers, he is undergoing treatment himself for cancer, and he is heartbroken. My Dad’s strength never fails to amaze me. Even when he drives me crazy, I love him, as I love Mom, and I’ll love them both until the day I die.

There are so many details to the last few days, and maybe someday I’ll write them all down. Let me say this, though. If you feel like something is wrong in your body, and a doctor tells you that it’s in your head, find another doctor. Keep looking until you find a doctor that listens to you. If you have pain, and a doctor says there’s nothing there and all he/she did was feel you from the outside and take some blood, DEMAND AN X-RAY. An x-ray 6, 8, 12 months ago would have saved my mother’s life. Doctors do not know it all. You know your body better than anyone else. Be a pit bull if you have to. If you’ve had cancer and were treated with radiation, insist on an x-ray at least once a year, even if you have to pay out of pocket. It is your right to be armed with information that could save your life. Please. I’m begging you, as someone who just lost her best friend and mother. Your family needs you.

Time of Death

3:34 a.m., December 22, 2009. Mom is no longer in this world. We don't know how to live without her.

I'm Mad at the World

Mom is in CCU. She has pneumonia in her left lung, and her right lung has collapsed. It appears that the tumor as grown, not shrunk. She is asking for hospice. Dad signed a DNR tonight.

Right now, I really don't know what else to say. I'm so angry that I can't even express myself clearly.

Shake! Shake! Shake!

Shake! Shake! Shake!
Shake Your Booty!

Actually, I'm not really good at shaking my booty, as far as I can tell watching myself in the mirror at Zumba class tonight, but WOW do my bosoms bounce! Ouch! I tried hard and made it through 60 minutes of Zumba. I managed to get run into only twice. Somehow I always manage to get the MOST uncoordinated person in the class right next to me. Now, I'm not saying that I don't make mistakes, but daaayyy-um, I can't watch some of these girls - I totally get off my stride. I even moved to another part of the room tonight, and she followed me!! I hit most of the steps with the correct foot, and if I don't do the arm motions, I still do the feet. The jumping part...I don't use my arms to do anything other than to hold my bouncing bosoms down.

I tried the other pair of shoes I bought for Zumba, and they hurt my feet, too! I'm going to put the regular insoles back in next time, and see if they're better than the ones the sales guy at Sports Authority pushed on me. If they're not, I might just have to buckle down and go to an orthodics guy. Can you say CHA-CHING CHARGE!??!?

After class tonight, I went walking with a friend. She wanted to go, and I was tired, but I changed my shoes and went anyway - another 30 min of physical activity is good for me.

Tomorrow night I'm going to hang with Mom while Dad is at a HOA meeting (he's on the board). Tomorrow is round 2 of chemo cycle 2, and we can't/won't leave her alone.

Please, pray that the poison they put in her system tomorrow does what it's supposed to do.

Thank you.

LORDY LORDY

...I can't believe I'm 40!

AND/OR....

...I passed 50!!!

Seriously! I made it! Not sure that I'll get much past that number during the next week, but I made it!!!

I had a very nice time out with my friends, but I have to be honest. I felt like I had to turn the "social switch" on...and it was a relief to finally turn it off when I went to sleep last night. My cousin spent the night, and then we went for breakfast this morning. It was so nice to have family in the house, so I didn't wake up to an empty home on my birthday. At breakfast, I split everything in half, except the order of toast, and put half of it in a to-go box. So although I had a fattening breakfast, I didn't eat the entire thing, and the other half will most likely wind up in the garbage tomorrow morning.

After breakfast, we went to buy a kitchen faucet...since the handle on mine broke off Friday morning before work. It's lovely pulling everything out from under the sink to turn off the water while rushing to get out of the house.

Then my cousin and I discovered that we couldn't uninstall the old faucet...so...zero accomplished this morning.

After doing a little putzing around with my cuz (who is really more like a sister to me), I went to see my parents.

Here's a little more background on the folks. Dad came back from his appointment yesterday (after not having mom & I on the speakerphone with the doctor) and gave us unexpected and unwelcome news. His cancer is aggressive, and the doctor is not recommending surgery due to his age (67), but rather radiation, chemo, and hormone therapy. You may be surprised, but the hormone therapy terrifies me...I read a statistic that men that undergo hormone therapy for prostate cancer are likely to die of a fatal heart attack within 2 years. Maybe I misread, or misunderstood, but I don't think so. I'll have to do more research.

Anyway, now Dad is going down the specialist route as well. We think they can handle it at Miami (if he likes the docs), but this doctor also wants him to get other opinions, perhaps from John H or Anderson in Houston.

I had a nice afternoon with my parents. Dad had made chicken soup, and asked me to make the matzo balls, and they turned out good. Mom had a cookie waiting for me to put in a candle, but I brought a piece of rugalach from the morning diner, because I thought they wouldn't have anything to put in a candle. They chose to use the rugalach.

Let me explain. I lived with my parents until I was 28, when I bought my place. Every year that I lived at home, on the morning of my birthday, Mom had a candle waiting for me, lit, in my breakfast, every year. After I moved out, she would drive to my place before work (I'm on the way) and she would leave a balloon, or flowers, or a plant, at my front door so I'd have something to start my birthday off bright. We were supposed to go to Disney this year for my birthday, and I had asked that she have the candle for me again, since we'd be in adjoining rooms. So damn it, I was going to get a candle from her this year!!! I'm praying frequently and fervently, that it isn't her last year, but I'm not taking that chance and blow off a happy tradition.

I feel like I've been eating all night. Tomorrow, I'll get it back under control. I have worked too hard to slide back into that abyss of weight. I just can't gain it back. Life is too precious. I cannot fail again.

I want to thank everyone again for their comments, emails, and prayers for my family. It is much appreciated.

Last Day of my 30's

And I'm trying to feel groovy...

For my birthday, tonight a bunch of friends are taking me to a Japanese restaurant that I really like. It should be fun. At least, that's what I'm telling myself! Ordinarily, I'd be really looking forward to it. But right now, I'm sooooo tired, and soooo worried, and soooooo.......sooooo.

Mom started her 2nd cycle of chemo this week. Next week will be worse than this week, and this week is bad. She can't get up on her own anymore. Her skin is just hanging on her. Tomorrow is exactly 8 weeks since her diagnosis.

Today is day 2 since Dad's diagnosis. He officially has prostate cancer. Based on what he's told me and what I could determine based on several official sites about prostate cancer, he has at least Stage II.

What are the chances of someone having both parents with cancer, much less at the same time?

This morning, Dad is going to the doctor to find out what the plan is, and I'm going to stay with Mom and telecommute, or at least try to. I got Dad to agree to have me on the phone (and Mom too, if she's awake) so at least there is another set of ears listening to what the doctor has to say. No one should go into a cancer treatment-planning meeting on his or her own. It's just too overwhelming, even when the prognosis is good (which we HOPE it is).

I weighed in on Wednesday, and I was UP 0.2 instead of down 0.2. I was highly annoyed. The wellness center nurse said it wasn't even worth commenting on. I think I hit it today though. I think I passed that 50 mark. So, if time permits, I'm going to head back up to the center this afternoon and get on the scale. I had hoped to get to onederland by my birthday, but I'm still a ways away from that. About a month or so ago I realized that the loss had slowed and it wasn't going to happen, so my goal was to be down 50 by my 40th birthday. So folks, keep your fingers crossed that I hit it!!!

I was going to post about the last 4 decades of my life, but ultimately, I just don't have it in me to pontificate. Work is overwhelming me, life is overwhelming me, and all I can say is I hope the future years are better than this year has been. There really haven't been too many highs, and my family has had more than its fair share of lows. They say that we plan and G-d laughs. Forgive me please, I'm not really thrilled with his sense of humor right now.

Great way to feel on the last day of my 30's, huh?

Quick Morning Update

I know I haven't posted for a week, but I have been super busy with work. Also, we moved up my birthday and Hanukkah celebration by a week - we celebrated this past Saturday.

Mom was in a housecoat. And a wheelchair. No eye makeup. You have to understand how devastating it was for me to see her like that. This is a woman that would not go to the mailbox without her hair and makeup done, and certainly never go out in a housecoat. I think it's the first time my niece, nephew, and brother-in-law have seen her that way. Now just to clarify - I could care less what I go out to the mailbox wearing, as long as I have a bra on underneath my clothes! But Mom is different. She doesn't over-do the make up or wear expensive clothes. She just likes to look presentable. So, for her to appear that way for my 40th birthday, and allow pictures of her to be taken like that, means she is giving up.

I don't just base my statement on her appearance. Dad told us last week that she doesn't want any more treatments. She is going today for her 2nd cycle, but she doesn't want to. And if the next round of tests show that the chemo isn't working, she has already refused going to the next cycle.

I found out Saturday night that the expected positive outcome of the chemo shrinking her tumor enough for surgery was "very very very very low" and that I should start preparing myself for the worst.

As one of my Hanukkah gifts, she gave me a ring my paternal grandmother gave her, almost 40 years ago, that grandma purchased in Israel. It's gorgeous. She gave my sister another ring, and my niece one of her charms, her sweet 16 charm. My sister is to hold it until my niece is old enough to wear it (she's 3 now).

Later that night, Mom asked me if I want her diamond solitaire that Dad gave her for their 20th anniversary, or another piece of jewelery.

I'll post more on my thoughts about Mom's attitude, prognosis, and my devastation and my family's devastation later. I have to go to work in a little while and can't go in sobbing.

Dad's situation is looking up. We still don't have the biopsy results (damn lab) but the CT scan and bone scan came back looking good. Whew! Now, if that biopsy comes back as normal, we'll have cause for celebration.

I'm doing OK with food, and trying to fit in exercise between work and spending time with Mom. I plan on weighing in tomorrow, and hopefully seeing those 50 pounds FOR THE LAST TIME.

I'm still reading all the blogs (thank goodness for Google Reader on the iPhone!).

Thanks for sticking with reading my posts while my family goes through this.

Progress?

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. You have no idea how much your comments mean to me.

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Still waiting on the biopsy. The technician screwed up on the CT scan and had Dad drink barium that he didn't need. He has to go back on Friday for the CT scan. He did have a bone scan today though. Now we just need answers.

We've been working with the doctor to adjust Mom's meds so she won't be so stoned. She doesn't seem to walk much anymore, and Dad is worried about her muscles atrophying.

***************
I finally heard back from Bloch Shoes. They are refunding my money, and I am shipping the shoes back to them. I am pleased with the outcome, although I'm still disappointed that the shoes didn't work out. I tried wearing them a 2nd time but had to take them off halfway through the class and finish it in my socks. The shoes were cute, but painful. Anyway, at least I'm getting my money back.

***************

Now on to good news. See that ticker? I'M KISSING 50 BABY!! ALMOST THERE!! I bet I would have hit it if I had been able to go to the bathroom this morning! :-)

Turns out that I'm the only person at the clinic this week, so far, that lost weight over the holiday. So, I made it through Thanksgiving, a birthday lunch Monday, birthday cake Monday afternoon, and our division's holiday lunch yesterday. I have to make it through another birthday lunch and cake on Friday for another coworker, and then 2 different happy hours that night. On Saturday, my family is celebrating Hanukkah and my birthday a week early...so latkes and birthday cake a week from Saturday. Then, the following Friday, the night before my birthday, a group of girlfriends are taking me out for dinner and drinks.

This is going to be a tough food/drink month. I'm praying I can handle it, and not regress. But, if my mom and dad can handle both having cancer and fighting it, then damn it, I can keep my mouth shut from too much food and my body moving to burn the calories.

Last week, the doctor told me that he expects that I'll do some "depressive eating". I've heard of emotional eating, but not depressive eating. It makes sense to me. Now that I have a more descriptive term, I find myself thinking, "Am I eating this depressively? Yes? Stop!! No? I'm really hungry? Ok...." and I continue the conversation to determine why I'm eating before I finish hurting myself. This is too important to screw up.