Progress?

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. You have no idea how much your comments mean to me.

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Still waiting on the biopsy. The technician screwed up on the CT scan and had Dad drink barium that he didn't need. He has to go back on Friday for the CT scan. He did have a bone scan today though. Now we just need answers.

We've been working with the doctor to adjust Mom's meds so she won't be so stoned. She doesn't seem to walk much anymore, and Dad is worried about her muscles atrophying.

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I finally heard back from Bloch Shoes. They are refunding my money, and I am shipping the shoes back to them. I am pleased with the outcome, although I'm still disappointed that the shoes didn't work out. I tried wearing them a 2nd time but had to take them off halfway through the class and finish it in my socks. The shoes were cute, but painful. Anyway, at least I'm getting my money back.

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Now on to good news. See that ticker? I'M KISSING 50 BABY!! ALMOST THERE!! I bet I would have hit it if I had been able to go to the bathroom this morning! :-)

Turns out that I'm the only person at the clinic this week, so far, that lost weight over the holiday. So, I made it through Thanksgiving, a birthday lunch Monday, birthday cake Monday afternoon, and our division's holiday lunch yesterday. I have to make it through another birthday lunch and cake on Friday for another coworker, and then 2 different happy hours that night. On Saturday, my family is celebrating Hanukkah and my birthday a week early...so latkes and birthday cake a week from Saturday. Then, the following Friday, the night before my birthday, a group of girlfriends are taking me out for dinner and drinks.

This is going to be a tough food/drink month. I'm praying I can handle it, and not regress. But, if my mom and dad can handle both having cancer and fighting it, then damn it, I can keep my mouth shut from too much food and my body moving to burn the calories.

Last week, the doctor told me that he expects that I'll do some "depressive eating". I've heard of emotional eating, but not depressive eating. It makes sense to me. Now that I have a more descriptive term, I find myself thinking, "Am I eating this depressively? Yes? Stop!! No? I'm really hungry? Ok...." and I continue the conversation to determine why I'm eating before I finish hurting myself. This is too important to screw up.

And the Hits Just Keep On Coming

Looks like Dad has cancer, too. Biopsy today, CT scan Wednesday, hope to have biopsy results by Friday.

This sucks.

Glycemic Index, Turkey Day, and Bloch Shoes

Anyone out there in blogland use the glycemic index to guide your food choices? If so, would you mind giving me your thoughts on how it works for you, ease of use, etc? It was recommended to me by one of the doctors at the wellness center since my glucose went up, instead of down, although I've lost almost 20 lbs since my last bloodwork. The scale creeped up a litte bit, but I'm not worried about it. I have a cold, it's that TOTM, and I was on vacation. It will come back off.

Thanksgiving turned out much better than I expected. Although I had several wonderful, thoughtful invitations to attend friends' Thanksgiving dinners, my sister really wanted me to come. She took me up on my offer to wear a mask (well, not while eating) and gloves, and it worked out because I didn't have to touch anything! I didn't even serve myself! Mom was able to come and make it through the meal as well as a visit after the meal. As a family, we are not usually so anal about someone having a cold, but due to Mom's circumstances, we are becoming that way. I couldn't live with myself if she got sick because of me. She looked better than expected. I know it bothered her to not host it this year, but my sister did a beautiful job, which is a credit to Mom, because Mom taught us well!! My cold was a little better today. I had a vitamin IV infusion yesterday at the wellness center, and they said I'd be feeling much better sooner rather than later. I do feel better. I don't know if it made a difference though, and it was too damn expensive. If it worked, great. If it didn't, I'll never know! :-)

I have only a few days left of my vacation. Today I'm taking my car in for an oil change and a few other minor repairs. I really don't have any desire to shop. I've spent WAY too much money lately (replacement phone, vet boarding/meds, holiday shopping, etc.), and I haven't lost any significant amount of weight in a while, so I need to stop for now. Other than a few last minute holiday gifts, I'm done with shopping until my clothes are falling off again.

I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll have enough energy to either take a walk outside (the weather is supposed to be beautiful) or hit the gym. I'm also hoping that I'll wake up early enough Saturday morning to take a Zumba class.

Speaking of Zumba classes, if anyone is in the market for a pair of Zumba shoes, DON'T BUY BLOCH SHOES. They do not stand by their product. They do not include a phone number on their site to reach them. They don't publish a corporate address. Evidently they are not a US company, which I don't have an issue with. The "customer service manager" had the nerve to suggest that since I bought an uncomfortable pair of shoes, I should just donate them. I don't know about you, but I have a problem with giving away a pair of $75 shoes that I've worn once. What I also have an issue with is their lack of response to my request to even examine their shoes for a defect. Their website says they cater to professionals (which I am not). It also says, "Our greatest pleasure is when dancers tell us they love our products." I guess they just ignore unsatisfied customers. SHAME ON BLOCH SHOES.

Catch-All Post

Turns out that I have a dislocated tailbone. Thank you, Dad, for insisting that I have an X-ray. Now I have answers. All of my numbers have improved that needed improving...my triglycerides have dropped from 178 to 151...1 more point and it's in the normal range! The only number that is concerning is my glucose, which went up to 107 when it was previously 97. Not sure what happened. I will be having a different test later this week.

I didn't eat as well as I would have liked to in Charlotte, but I didn't do terribly either. The hardest part was eating/drinking a shake every 3 hrs and drinking a lot of water. I tried to get it through to my friend how I needed to do these things, but somehow it didn't work out that way. My responsibility, my fault, but, I wish it had been easier. We did get in one walk in a park. The 2o minute walk kicked my ass, literally. I'm not used to walking up and down hills. So, the 30 minute walk was only 20 minutes. We did do a lot of standing and walking in malls though! Does that count?

This turned out to be a very expensive vacation. Almost $300 to board the birds at the vet...and we brought home 4 new meds with them today. I also managed to have a bottle of water leak all over my purse (see above) and ruin my iPhone, so a "refurbished" iPhone cost me $200.

An NSV I discovered in the mall yesterday...I actually fit (and purchased) some regular XLs in Macy's! Obviously, these designers/styles must be on the large-side rather than fitting-small-side, but I don't care! I have NORMAL XLs in my closet!! For the first time in almost 15 years! I am still a long way off from never shopping in a plus sized store or department again, but, this accomplishment (which is how I choose to look at it) sure made me feel good!

Thanksgiving is going to be a non-holiday this year, for the first time in my life. Mom is just too sick. She had round 2 of cycle 1 chemo today. Now, I have a cold. I can't even go to her house to rub her feet, or give Dad a break. I can't go have dinner w/my sister and her family because I can't chance getting any of them sick. Aside from the pain in the ass it would be for my sister and her husband to get sick, and then if the kids get sick, I'd feel terrible...but then none of them could visit Mom, either. This is not "woe is me" although I know it sounds like it, and yes, I am disappointed. I'm just scared to death that this is our last Thanksgiving. I am trying so hard to stay positive, but I don't have any answers. I don't really know the prognosis. I just don't know what to expect. I'm scared. I'm more than scared, I'm more than terrified. I don't know what the right word is.

A friend of mine has invited me to have T-dinner with her and her family, which I very much appreciate. I just don't know that I'm up for it. They are wonderful people, but...I just don't think I'm emotionally up to it, to be "on" and be a good guest. I hope that doesn't make me a bad person. I just don't think I'm up for it. If I say no, they'll be offended. I just don't know what to do. I'll come up with something, I guess.

I see the doctor at the wellness center tomorrow. I have no idea what I'm going to see - a gain, loss, or status quo. I didn't have a scale with me in NC, so I couldn't monitor like I usually do. I'll see what the scale says tomorrow, I guess.

For those of you that blog, I haven't been commenting, but I have been reading through the RSS feed. All I can say is thank you for putting it all out there. I know you're doing it for yourself (as you should be) but it really helps me, too. I have a new motivational buddy through Mizfit and Prior Fat Girl. She seems like a very nice person. Today I wrote her the following:

I realize that we have different "number" goals that we're trying to achieve, and I have no idea how old you are, but I hope that you don't find us too far apart on the motivational scale. If anything, I hope that I can motivate you to NEVER let weight get out of control - I feel like I've wasted a good part of my adult life. There's a lot to that story, and I do have medical issues that contributed to it, but please, please, PLEASE keep up your running and healthy eating. The 30 minutes a day you spend will make such a difference in the quality of your physical life (and emotional, social, etc). You never get that back.

Everyone has regrets. One of my biggest regrets is not getting the weight under control at an earlier age (and yes, I regret gaining it in the first place!). It has bled into every aspect of my life, my psyche, my pores...you name it. If only I could turn back time....

NSV!!!

I think I may enjoy traveling again. I fit in the plane's seat!! I
could easily buckle the seatbelt! I could use the tray table, with
room to spare! I could cross my legs! I didn't have to scrunch in my
shoulders!!

Sent from my iPhone

Finally

I'm on vacation. Finally. I'm going to Charlotte tomorrow, and come back Tuesday. I'm not expected back at work until Dec. 1.

I dropped another 0.1 of a lb. I probably dropped more, but it's that TOTM.

Mom started chemo this week. She is very sick. I am very worried.

I'm so glad I'm on vacation. I'm so stressed out I feel like I'm going to crack.

I don't know if I'll get to post while I'm on vacation, but my friend and I have walks planned, as well as healthy eating.

Here's to VACATION! And here's to Mom kicking the cancer's ass!

Sunday Confessional

It's been a whole week since I last posted. I'm still watching what I'm eating. I'm still exercising.

Now the details:

• I'm not 100% compliant with the food - I'd estimate that I'm 90% during the day at work, and 75% compliant at home.
• Planning is key for me. However, even when I plan, I can't always stick to the plan. Lately I've been stuck in meetings that are 2-3 hours, and oftentimes they run through my 3 hr meal time. By time I get out, it's closer to my next meal time. For someone that is supposed to eat/have a shake every 3 hours, it can cause me some problems.
• I'm snacking too much at home.
• Recently I've developed a craving for good cheese, with crackers. I've been sitting on my recliner too much, with cheese and crackers. I have been adding apples to the mix though. Have you had the Honeycrisp apples? Damn, they are good! The biggest problem I have with apples is that they make me run to the restroom.
• Since my last post on Sunday, I only exercised on Monday. I went to a Zumba class, and it kicked my ass. I was sore for 3 days afterwards.
• Because I've been working late, and on the nights I'm don't work late, I go to see Mom, I haven't made it to the gym.

Mom is not doing well. She is now on oxygen; we've been asking for oxygen for her for 3 weeks. The doctor finally said on Thursday that she "finally qualifies". When someone can't walk 10 feet without bracing themselves not to fall over from being out of breath, they NEED OXYGEN! Chemo was supposed to start on Friday. It didn't. Fucking bureaucracy.

What I still find amusing is that both of my parents keep telling me to not lose focus and to keep doing well with the weight loss. I'm not going to make the hopeful goal I made a few months ago of getting to onderland by my birthday, but maybe I will make it by the end of the year.

Last night I had a good time out with a friend. We went to a restaurant/bar on the water about 45 minutes north of here, and had a nice meal. Then we hung out on the bar side for about an hour. The weather was so nice. We took the scenic ride home.

Today I slept in - my plan was to wake up with no alarm. What I didn't expect to happen was for my phone to ring at 9 a.m. I ignored it and slept until after 11. Then I got up and started laundry, cleaning, etc.

At almost 4, I went to the gym and got on the treadmill. I set it for 45 minutes, and I did 35 minutes. I ran an errand after that and then went home. I started working on this post again (I actually started it around 1 p.m. and then just saved it as a draft). I called my walking buddy to see if she wanted to go walking tonight, and she said yes. We decided to go right at that time. So, I got in another 45 minutes of walking.

I have to finish cleaning things up around here. On Friday, I'm supposed to fly to visit with a friend in North Carolina. I am looking forward to this trip so much, as well as the time off from work. Work is really bad right now - too much stress. I probably shouldn't take the time, but if I don't take it, I'll lose it, because there are too many other people out the closer to the end of the year...and I refuse to lose the time. If others had met their deadlines, I wouldn't be so screwed right now. This particular project has just been hell.

So, back to the trip...I used to live in North Carolina, but I really didn't keep in touch with too many people from there. One of my best friends moved up there about 3 years ago, so now I make an annual pilgrimage to see her. I'm flying up Friday night and coming back Tuesday morning. Hopefully all will go well with my mom, and I won't feel too guilty about taking a vacation.

Here is a little bit of good news - I can fit into my size 18 straight-leg JMS jeans with less discomfort than when I first bought them. This weekend, I bought a belt for the first time in close to 15 years. I'm not ready to wear a belt in public yet, but it's the kind of belt that can be expanded or made smaller, so it was a good investment for when I finally reach that comfort level. It's black and has an unusual buckle (or maybe it's not unusual, but since I haven't worn belts in 15 years, it's unusual to me).

So, although I'm praying that chemo starts for mom on Monday, and that it does what it's supposed to do, on a lighter note, I'm also praying that I get all my laundry done, my house is clean, my birds are OK, I make it to a Zumba class this week, trip to NC goes off without a hitch, and...that I hit that damn 50 lb mark within the next week!!!