Stream of Consciousness

I've been craving salads.  Wow.

I went to the gym yesterday, and plan to do so again tomorrow.

I had the last week of December off from work. I think it helped me tremendously.  I was fairly busy, but I had downtime, too.  Going back to work was hard, but I'm trying to keep a better attitude.

Dec 22 was two years since Mom's death.  It's still hard to believe.

I went to the wellness clinic 2 weeks ago.  I'm up 18 lbs from my lowest. I think 8 lbs of those came on in December alone.  I'm so glad December is over.

My cousin is still with me. It's going pretty well, and I'm glad to have her here, but I sure wish I had more room.  My two bedroom place just isn't big enough for the two of us and all my crap!!!  She's excited because she finally got full time work, and today she signed up for two classes to finally continue her education.  I'm very excited for her.  It's been a long time coming.

I got an estimate on enclosing my back balcony, and it's just too much money.  $4,500!!  I had hoped to turn that into my office since my cousin is now living in that room and I don't have access to my stuff whenever I want.  I wonder if my father had gotten the estimate if it would be as high.  When I had to replace my entire A/C unit, I got an estimate for $4K.  When my father got estimates, it was $2,900 for the exact same unit. Funny how that happened.

I have a closet full of clothes that I barely fit in.  The ones I do fit in, I'm not happy with how I look.  I have a conference coming up in a month, and if I don't drop at least 10 lbs by then, I'm going to have a hard time dressing appropriately for it.  My dept hosts it, and it's a lot of time on my feet, entertaining, etc.  And a lot of eating.  Blech.  I have dinner out Friday & Saturday night.  Hockey on Monday night; therapy on Tuesday night, walking at the beach on Wednesday night (!!!), and then Mr. Seger on Thursday night.  I've never seen him in concert before. I'm very excited about it.

More Than a Month?

I can't believe it's been more than a month since I posted.  I don't think I've ever gone that long.

The bottom line is things are still a struggle for me.  I'm not sure I have much more to say, but I'm not ready to close the blog yet.

Blah blah...blah.

Stable...

My weight...that is.  Mentally...who knows?

I'm trying to be careful, but I'm finding that I'm very hungry.  I'm not sure if I'm stress eating or if I'm really hungry, but I think it's a mixture of both, but more on the really hungry side.

I leave for Charlotte on Thursday for my annual pilgrimage.  I'm really looking forward to it. I need a break.  Plus I really miss my friend.

Speaking of friends, I found out that someone who is very close to me has been lying to me for a very long time.  It really hurts.

Work is holding steady.

We finally moved my Mom to her permanent spot last week.  We had purchased spaces in a mausoleum about a year before Mom died, so the spaces weren't ready when she passed.  Therefore, she's been in a temporary space for just under two years.  The cemetery finally got the certificate of occupancy from the county for the new mausoleum (if you can believe that) so we were finally able to move her.  Her stone was done about 4 months ago, so she's been in one spot and her stone in another.  It's been very strange.  It helps to have her in her final space, although I must admit temporary spot was nicer (covered area, quite, and always a nice breeze).  Her new spot has no cover, no bench, and faces a street before the rest of the cemetery & lake. On the other hand, does it really matter?  We're having the unveiling on Nov. 23. Lots of drama with my Dad about that.  I'm glad the decisions are made and we're almost done.  Almost 2 years after Mom's death is just TOO DAMN LONG to finish the rituals.  Rituals seems like an odd word, but it's stranger to me how important rituals have become to me in dealing with Mom's death. I just want this over with already.

So, I'm stable, huh?

A Little Progress

The ticker at the top of the post has moved in the right direction.  In June, I was 16.9 lbs above my lowest weight, which was in November of last year.  It is Oct. 21, and I am now only 11.2 lbs above my lowest weight.  It's not a lot of progress, but it is some progress, and for that I am grateful.


This week was a little weird at work as the senior staff announced a major reorganization of my division.  My job hasn't changed (yet) but my boss has been promoted and is now heading up a new group and I'm not moving with her.  I am very happy for her; she's going to be running a project and systems group and although I can do the work, I don't enjoy it, which makes it a struggle...so I'm glad, from that respect, that I'm not going with her.  The other REALLY good boss I've had in this division (the one before the psycho 8 years ago) is creating a new group, and I'm hopeful that he'll request that I be moved to his staff.  I hope I didn't just jinx it.


Amazingly enough, with all the drama, I didn't stuff my face.  I didn't exercise as much as I should have, but sometimes going home to rest and calm my mind is the best thing.  Last night I met a friend at the beach (she also just got promoted!!) and we walked for 30 minutes and almost 2 miles.  Tonight I did 30 minutes on the elliptical and burned 300.9 calories (at least that's what the machine said).  I've got my gym bag packed again, and it's going with me tomorrow morning when I leave to babysit my niece again!! I didn't have to wait another 5 years before I was asked again!!  Woooo Hooooo!!  I'm taking her to gymnastics class and then Dunkin Donuts.  I just hope that I don't do too much damage there, but my plan is to stop at the gym on the way home.  I'm so glad my sister asked me to do this.  You have no idea how much it means to me.  I feel useful.


My cousin is still going through a hard time.  I expect she'll be living with me full-time by the end of this month, if things finally start going her way.  I have very little time to get rid of a lot of crap from this room so she'll be comfortable.  My office is also my guest room, and while it's comfortable for a short stay, it's not set up as bedroom.  I'm not able to move my desk (it's a mammoth) to another room, and I have only two bedrooms anyway.  She knows this and understands.  She has all her furniture in storage, so we moved some of my things to the storage to make room for her:  a comfortable upholstered chair and ottoman as well as a rocking chair my grandpa bought my mom when she was pregnant with me.  


I hope she gets on her feet quickly and can settle where she can be comfortable long term.  She desperately needs a job, and I sure hope she finds one that she enjoys and enables her to go to school and pay her bills.  My cousin likes to exercise and eat healthy, so she'll be a good influence on me while she's here.


I changed one of my posts from November of last year to a draft because I was getting a ton of searches as the #1 Google search result for a certain gadget that I will not name here again.  The last thing I need is some fitness-crazed coworker finding my blog. NOT!


Coming Up:  

• Rick Springfield and Jack Wagner on Nov. 5 (I said no to friends before the tickets went on Groupon...then I had no excuse to refuse)
• Annual trip to Charlotte, NC--Nov 10-13
• Staycation during Thanksgiving week 
• Thanksgiving at Dad's girlfriend's house (yay...) and first time without my sister since Mom died 
• Judas Priest on December 1
• Hall and Oates on December 5
• Hanukkah starts December 20th, when I'm sure my sister will be at Disney celebrating Xmas
• I've got a December birthday 
• Another staycation the last week of December
• And somewhere in all of this, relocating my mother's remains from her temporary mausoleum space to her permanent space because the building is FINALLY done...and the unveiling that goes with it

And finally, I've decided that it's time for me to find a man and have a committed relationship.  He's got to be the right man, though. Not just anyone will do. So, I've joined a "relationship" service, thrown a boatload of money I don't have at it, and now we'll see what happens.


This should be an interesting end of the year.

Progress

I think I'm making progress...I've been going to the gym at work, I haven't been pigging out, and I haven't gained any weight.  I might be losing some, but I haven't gotten on the scale lately.  I just know that my clothes have not gotten any tighter, and perhaps they've gotten a little looser.  Not by much though.


There's been a lot of family drama, and I think it's mostly over.  I cried a lot, but didn't eat my way through it.  That's progress...?

Keeping Up

I went to the new gym three times this week.  The first two days I did 30+ min on the treadmill and two weight machines.  The third day (today) I did something called an arc trainer, and it kicked my ass.  Here are the numbers:


09/13/2011:  Treadmill
34.53 minutes, 1.52 miles, 199 calories
81.33 avg watts, 3.22 avg mets, 140 avg heart rate


09/15/2011:  Treadmill
35.01 minutes, 1.65 miles, 199 calories
81.18 avg watts, 3.16 avg mets, 126 avg heart rate


09/17/2011:  arc trainer
32 minutes, 0.96 miles, 229 calories


The numbers confuse me.  I need to learn what watts and mets are, but on Tuesday I did slightly less time and slightly less distance than Thursday, but have the same calories and a higher heart rate than Thursday. On the arc trainer I did less distance, slightly less time, and more calories...and was sweatier than I've been in a long time.


I'm learning that I need to take care of things one at a time.  I'm not going to destroy myself over not having a perfect day because it doesn't do a service to me.  I am feeling a little renewed, but very tired because I'm sleeping like crap.  You would think that the exercise would make me sleep better but it doesn't.  


I'm not eating out as much, and that's very good.  I sure would like a mojito, though!!

Chugging Along

I think I've dropped 2 lbs but I haven't "officially" weighed.  I'm conflicted of whether I should continue with the wellness center.  I cannot financially afford it.  However, I don't know if I can physically afford to not go.

My company renovated our on-site gym and when they reopened it last week, they made it free.  It used to be $37 a month.  The hours were not good, they weren't open on Saturdays, and I resented having to pay to belong to a COMPANY gym run by the YMCA.  The YMCA's mission is a religious mission.  In my opinion, religion doesn't belong in the workplace.  Kind of like separate of church & state.

Anyway, I attempted to go to the gym on Saturday after my nephew's football game since I was already hot & sweaty.  I got there...and the security guy had no idea it was supposed to be open...so I wasn't allowed in.  HR addressed it this morning, but I feel like it's just another roadblock.

My gym bag is still packed though, and ready by my front door to go with me tomorrow to the office.  I'll be in the gym at 6:05 tomorrow night after work.  Tonight I had an appointment with my grief counselor, Wednesday night I have a dentist appointment and a pedicure, and Friday night I have to go to my father's companion's son's 50th birthday party.  Did you follow that? Ha!  

Bottom line, this week, I'm at the gym Tuesday and Thursday night and Saturday afternoon.