Recalibrating

Today I went to the wellness center for the first time since Dec. 28. I've gained one pound. That's OK. I updated the ticker accordingly. I'm not making excuses, but I really feel like a one pound gain is OK. I sort of feel like it's maintaining, considering what the last 49 days have been like. Wow. That's 7 weeks.

Tonight I was supposed to walk with a friend, and she bailed on me. By the time I realized it, it was too late to walk outside by myself and the gym was closing in 30 minutes (it takes me 15 to get there). Time wasted.

I didn't have to do any entertaining yesterday and today, which is good. I had 1,429 calories today. I have my shakes, blender, and cups in a tote at the front door to take with me. My clothes are all planned out. I'm wearing ALL NEW CLOTHES at this conference. This will be the first conference in 4 years that I'm not wearing the same thing as the previous year. I'm so excited!!! Mom would love my new stuff!!! I've been trying not to cry while trying things on and deciding what to wear.

Anyway, as much as this week is going to be a challenge, I'm trying to look at it as if I'm recalibrating. This week will be challenging food- and social-wise, but it won't be emotional. This weekend will be hard because I have to clear more stuff out of my grandma's condo for the next renter. Actually, it's not my grandma's anymore. Now my Dad owns it since Grandma died, then Mom died....everything ties back to Mom.

Next week will be very busy at the office (as usual); the last week in February will also be a food and socially challenging week since we have our divisional meetings. The week in between will be good to get any crap out of my system and to gear up for divisional meetings. Then, March will start off well. I have no major meetings planned; no travel is planned. Maybe I can come up for air, take a day off, focus on ME. Recalibrate.

Challenge

This week will be a major challenge for me. One of the strongest challenges since I began this path last April. I've done a good job of not backsliding on my weight, habits, food choices, etc., since Mom died, but I haven't been losing, either. I have people actually telling me that I look like I've lost more weight (I have not), but that they "understand why" since I've "gone through such a terrible time." Little do they know that terrible times are when I usually gain weight. I'm fortunate that it hasn't happened this time, but I am sure not losing weight right now, either.

This week is critical for me.

My department is hosting our annual conference beginning Wednesday, and it ends Friday. The fun really begins today as people start trickling in to our office before we all switch over to the conference venue, a very nice hotel on the beach.

You may be thinking, she's gone to conferences while working her plan, what's the big deal?

Here's the big deal - I'm not staying at the conference venue. However, here is what is expected of me:

• Participate in lunch today
• Possibly host a dinner Tuesday night
• On Wednesday, attend lunch, break, dinner, and then post-dinner activities; may not get home until well after 11 pm after driving more then 30 minutes from the venue to home
• Arrive at conference by 6:30 am Thursday morning (which means waking up at 4:30 am)
• Attend breakfast, break, lunch, break, cocktail party, dinner, and post-dinner activities; may not get home until well after 11 pm....
• Arrive at conference by 6:45 am Friday morning...
• Attend breakfast, break, and lunch before waiting around for my boss to check out of the hotel so I can drive her home...(yes, my boss gets to stay at the hotel, and I get to commute, even though I live a mile further away than she does, and we usually carpool to work every day, and I'm still expected to fully participate in all activities)

So you may be looking at this and wonder, "What's the big deal, and what is so different from the other conferences and trips?" Here's what's different:

• Significantly less sleep time is available
• No control over food at hotel
• No control over restaurant choices
• No hotel room to go back to, to get some rest
• No gym to run to for a quick work-out during the minimal downtime

Now you may be thinking, "So what's your plan? Are you just going to let this conference blow all your work? You may not be losing now, but you're doing well maintaining!" You'd be right. So, here's what my plan is:

• Exercise tonight
• Exercise tomorrow night
• Maybe get up early Wednesday and exercise before getting to the venue
• Bring shakes and blender; follow through on my request to the boss and other coworker that is staying at the hotel to use their rooms during the limited downtime to make my shakes rather than eat the food at break time (e.g., chocolate fountain and pastries)
• When unable to make/drink shakes, but still hungry, eat nothing but fruit
• Choose food as carefully as possible at restaurants
• IF I get out of attending some of the evening social hosting duties, EXERCISE!

That's the plan, and I'm going to do my best to stick to it!

Here's the key to the plan - I will not sabotage myself. There are going to be about 60+ people at the conference who haven't seen me since I dropped over 50 lbs. I'm going to get a lot of compliments and a lot of inquires. I've GOT to not let the attention freak me out like it has in the past. I MUST NOT SABATOGE MYSELF!!

Here's the final part of the plan - If I fall down, I will get back up. I will make sure that I get immediately back into my routine Friday afternoon, after the conference is over.

I really didn't have the time to write this post this morning, but I felt the urge and knew that if I didn't write down my plan and my commitment to myself that I'd be setting myself up to failure. Now I've made myself accountable to my plan and my commitment. I can do this! I can do this because:

• I've done so well, so far, for a very long period of time
• My JMS slightly stretchy classic boot cut jeans (size 18) are falling off of me, but the 16s are slightly too tight to be able to wear
• My panties are starting to fall off (really; thank goodness I wear pants and not skirts)
• I have so many NSVs to be proud of; I have to keep it up
• My health requires it
• My family is so proud
• I am so proud
• Mom would want me to

Last Day of the Month

Tomorrow starts a new month. I hope February is better than January. However, at least I managed to "maintain" in January and not backslide. I've picked up the exercise. I walked twice during the week, hit the gym yesterday, and went walking with a friend this morning.

I had a big breakfast at lunch time, after my walk...not sure why. I started out OK...egg white omelet is what I ordered. I'm not supposed to have eggs. I should have told the server to hold the bagel (high in calories & has yeast) & home fries, but I didn't. When the food came, I told myself that I'd only eat half, but I didn't. I ate almost everything. I think that might be only the 2nd bagel I've had in about 8 months. I love bagels. I teethed on bagels.

I've been at this 284 days, if you count this wasted month of January. But I have to keep reminding myself that not backsliding when I feel as depressed as I am is a major accomplishment in of itself. 52 lbs in 284 days, which is 40.6 weeks, which averages to 1.28 lbs per week.

I used to tell doctors for years that there was a point in my life when I was eating about 1,000 calories a day, working out six days a week, and three of those six days were with a trainer, and I lost only 23 lbs in 8 months. I always said a normal person would have lost twice the amount of weight in the same time and something was wrong with me! Now that I've got my thyroid under control, I've gotten rid of 52 lbs in 9 months this time, and I never want to see those pounds on me again. I'm finally losing weight like a normal person. Would I like the 3-4-5 lb loss per week again, like I had in the beginning? Sure! But I'm also satisfied with my rate of loss. If I had kept up the losing during January, I'd probably be about 56 lbs down, but I'm not going to quibble about it. It's still 52 lbs gone!!!

Supposedly I'm seeing a friend of mine on Wednesday that I haven't seen since August. He isn't local, and numerous previous plans to hang out have fallen through, so I'm trying not to get excited this time. Anyway, I've dropped another 16.6 lbs since he last saw me. I hope he sees the difference. I sure feel different!

I feel scattered; not focused enough to write a cohesive post. Part of if is due to the stress at work on top of being depressed. I discovered at 4 pm on Friday that it appears that someone is coming behind me on my work and changing things I've signed off on for publication...changing it to something that my department has vehemently opposed, and we supposedly had finally resolved. Now that little bit of respect I gained back for this particular person has gone from slightly positive, to BELOW ZERO. Working with someone that has a complete lack of integrity is very trying. I'm hoping that the coming week doesn't get out of control, work-wise, or I'll wind up in the loony bin (no offense to folks dealing with mental issues..heck, I'm dealing with my own!).

Back to a positive topic - WOW!! I have 40 followers! Thank you, and WELCOME!! And thank you to everyone that has sent me emails and left comments. I really appreciate your support.

I feel that I'm somewhat a crossroads, and I have to be very careful which turn I take. I have to start taking better care of myself - not just dealing with weight, but emotionally and financially, too.

And as always, I miss my mom. I hit the 52 lb mark a little over a week after she died. I know she'd be proud.

Made it Home in One Piece

What a trip!! Atlanta had a ground stop on Sunday, so flights from other cities weren't even allowed to leave their origination point. I think we had a total delay of 10 hours. That delay included 5 gate changes, a cancelled flight, and getting on the last plane out. Then, it was an hour wait for my bag at 3 o'clock in the freaking morning!!!

Dad did leave me waiting in the hospital waiting room, so I went and found a computer, logged in, and worked for 2.5 hours. He got the answers he wanted, and I didn't hear a word of what the doctors actually said, so who knows if what Dad told me is entirely accurate. I'm still left wondering why on earth I went with him. If he was in a wheelchair, I wouldn't question it. But he could have gotten my ticket refunded, and he chose not to. Then he was telling people at my nephew's birthday party that I was insisting on going. Yeah. Right. That's why I asked him 3 days before if I still needed to go...

The good news is, is that Dad now has a plan that he's comfortable with to treat his prostate cancer. Some other plusses about this trip:

• I did a lot of walking in the Atlanta airport (5 gate changes and 10 hours to kill will do that).
• I RAN in that same airport when we discovered they changed gates and didn't announce it. Had to run to tell them to wait (we didn't know if it was boarding) for my father, who can't run with a cast on his leg. They weren't boarding yet, so it worked out. But I RAN!!!
• I got 20 minutes in on the hotel treadmill Monday afternoon.
• I had dinner with a friend that lives in Houston. We're coming up on 23 years of friendship - met at FSU our first week during summer semester. She's a great gal. I ate too much (or maybe had too much water, I don't know, but I felt stuffed) but I didn't eat everything on my plate.
• Went to a place called the Chocolate Bar and HOLY CRAPOLA, what a place! A slice of cake is $9.95 or the whole cake is $75. Damn, there better not be any crumbs! I shared a cookie with my friend, and did taste 2 ice creams, but I walked out of there without even one ounce of chocolate to take home...and believe you me...that was a challenge!! I LOVE CHOCOLATE. And I'm PMSing.

So, the trip was a little overwhelming. I kept thinking the whole time, "Mom should be here with Dad, not me." During the flights, Dad would do something to me, like, put his arm across the book I was reading, and I'd turn to look at him. He'd say to me, "I used to do that to Mom all the time, and she looked at me the same way." We certainly did a little bit of crying on this trip.

Today I went into work late. I needed to sleep as long as possible and not wake up with an alarm. I got in to the office by 1 pm, and put in 5 hours today. Then I met a friend for dinner, and I feel like I ate too much, but that might be due to the Diet Coke I had, which always makes me feel bloated. I didn't have all my soup, but I did have 1.5 slices of challah. I had 1 of my 2 pork chops, 1/2 of the mashed potatoes, and half of the cole slaw. I brought the rest home.

Then I changed my clothes and went back to meet that same friend at her house, and we walked for 30 minutes. Considering I did 30 min on the treadmill Saturday, walked a lot and actually ran on Sunday, did 20 min on the treadmill Monday and 30 minutes today, I guess I'm doing OK. February is going to be challenging from a social perspective, with a lot of birthday lunches, a conference my dept put son, and people in from out of town for divisional meetings. Lots of food. I'll make it through though! I have no other choice but to carry on.

I wonder, will a day ever go by that I don't start to pick up the phone to call Mom? Do I even want that day to come?

NSV

I had two people on Friday tell me that I looked "slim" and "thin" and one didn't recognize me until I was close up. They both stopped me to ask me if I was losing because of Mom's loss. Wow. No. But, I'll take the comments as positive feedback and not over analyze.

The real NSV, though, is when getting out of the shower today, I unconsciously wrapped the towel around me, tucking it in. I was all the way to my vanity before I realized that I had a standard sized towel wrapped around me!!! WOW!!! Now, I wouldn't wear it further than that because if I sat down it would open WIDE, but just the fact that I wrapped it around myself naturally, without seeing if it would work, just doing it....and it worked!!!

Tomorrow I get on two airplanes to get to Houston. I'm praying that I don't have an issue with the seat belts. After losing 50 lbs I shouldn't, but I could be the one poor sod that gets a short belt (and yes, that has actually happened to me on a Southwest flight).

Tuesday was 4 weeks since Mom's passing. Yesterday was 1 month. Tomorrow is 1 month since burial. I think about her all the time. I hope the news in Houston is good news, because I can't take losing another parent.

Touching Base

Thank you for sticking with me. I'm making it through...going through the motions. So, here are a few updates.

1. I'm going up and down between 49-51 lbs...and I have not made it a priority to get back in to the wellness center. I need to do it, but I've been working so many hours that it doesn't look like I'll be able to get there before I leave for Houston on Sunday. I've been doing some exercise, but probably not enough. Also, I've been OK on the food, but not 100% the way I should.
2. Yes, I'm still going to Houston with my dad. He is still in a cast but more mobile. At this point, I'm not sure why I'm going because he has told me numerous times that I won't be sitting in with him when he talks to the doctors. So, I'm going why?? Anyway, I'm planning on bringing my shakes, fiber, and protein. The hotel has a very nice exercise room, so I'm also bringing work out clothes.
3. I like my Kindle. I don't love it, but I like it.
4. Work is crazy, but two major projects from last year are almost at an end. One will be done Feb. 6, and the other by the end of March. A third major project was scheduled to go through this year, and I am not enjoying myself on it. I was in a meeting today with the programmers. Not fun. People don't seem to understand that if they repeat themselves...using the exact same words...and someone isn't understanding them, that the words of the message are the problem, not the person that doesn't get it. And it doesn't help when another "team" member says "under his breath" but loud enough "that's what he said six times" when I finally get it. So I actually stood up for myself and called him on the mat..."I obviously didn't get it the first 5 times." He felt like a jerk.
5. NSV-It is much easier for me to get on the floor and play with my niece and nephew.

I'd like to thank Kimmi at Fit, Fat and Back Again for passing on the Happy 101 award to me. I'll do what I'm supposed to do with it soon, I promise. Thanks Kimmi!

I have so much more to say, but I don't have the focus to get it all out. I will soon, I promise.

Another Cool Thing...

I don't have any kids, but I do have a nephew in kindergarten, and a niece just a few years younger. This blog interests me, and scares me, both at the same time!