Vacation Recap

Last night I said that my next post would be about happy things.  I went to Las Vegas for vacation last week, and I had a blast!!

Def Leppard has a residency show at the Joint at the Hard Rock Hotel.  I am a HUGE fan of Lep, and my first concert ever was in Lakeland, FL on May 22,1983 on the Pyromania tour.  Lep is doing the entire Hysteria album from start to finish at the Vegas shows.

My fellow Lep friends and I decided to go to two of the shows. I would have liked to go to all three last week, but at the time we made our plans, one of my friends was not working, so she didn't want to commit to a third show until she found a job.

In any event, we flew out last Tuesday. We got a great deal on Southwest (who I abhor for their treatment of overweight and obese people), but not only did we get a great deal, the flight times were right.  Even with all that, they were not my first choice, but I got talked into it.  For $450 a person, we had roundtrip airfare, 4 nights at the MGM Grand with a $75 food & beverage credit, and a rental car.

Our flights were fine, and I even had a few legs without anyone in the middle seat, so I was comfortable.  The check-in was simple because MGM has a check-in desk at the airport, so we didn't have to wait on the long line at the hotel's front desk.

The food was phenomenal.  I did not pig out.  Desserts and appetizers were shared, and I didn't take the last bite of anything (I think?).  I insisted on going to Fluer at Mandalay Bay for the Onion Veloute soup.  I could have cared less if I had anything else there, I just wanted the soup. I ate at Fluer 6 years ago, and it's taken me this long to get back there.  My friends agreed it was the best onion soup they've ever had (and possibly the best soup ever).

I attempted to have salad and/or fruit when feasible, and drink as much water as I could ($5 for an 8 oz bottle of water is ridiculous). 

On Wednesday, we spent the day at the pool. It was beautiful out, and it wasn't hot. I used plenty of sunscreen and did not burn.  I went two rounds around the lazy river, and many times purposefully went against the current.  My legs were jelly when I got out.

Wednesday night was the first Lep show.  We purchased VIP Nation's package, and got an acoustic set and a meet & greet with the band before the show.  I've met the drummer on many occasions and one of the guitarists once, and have been on a call-in radio show with the singer once, but I've never met all of them, and never at the same time before Wednesday night. They were gracious and welcoming, and my picture with them is really nice (if you just look at the excitement on my face and not how fat my shirt makes me look - although I am fat anyway).  It's taken me 30 years to meet them since I first saw them in concert, and it was worth the money and standing on lines for an eternity.  I will do it again if the circumstances are right.

The show that night was fantastic.  They played a lot of stuff that I haven't heard live in a while before they went into Hysteria. One of the reasons I love this band is that they are a fabulous live band. They look like they enjoy being on stage, and that it's not just an ego trip or money grab for them.

Thursday, we went to Red Rocks National Park and took the scenic drive through the park. It's really beautiful there, and the weather was still nice enough to have the windows open. After the park, we went to Fluer as I mentioned earlier.

Later that evening, we went to dinner at American Fish in the Aria hotel. I had the best piece of grilled halibut that I've ever had.  I also talked the girls into sharing 2 different desserts (and one with fresh fruit!) instead of us each getting our own.  We were so full that we didn't finish either one of them, and I wasn't going to force it down my throat!

After dinner, we went to see Carrot Top. I was not looking forward to it - he's kind of creeped me out with what he's seemingly done to his face.  Well...I am so glad I went! His show was extremely well-executed and funny as hell!  He also don't look as weird in person (and we were front row in a small theater, so I have no doubt that it's basically eyeliner and funnily shaped eyebrows that makes his face look so odd sometimes). 

Friday, I spent some time at the spa (as much as I love my travel companion, I needed a break) and got a really nice facial (where I was told that I have fabulous skin and she didn't try to sell me anything!), and then got my hair shampooed and blown out.  The blow out lasted 3 days!! Worth the $$ I suppose.

Friday night we had our second Lep show to attend. We didn't do the meet & greet this time, but we were sixth row and we got some fabulous pictures.

 



We all had a hard time falling asleep Friday night, trying to come down from the excitement of the concert.  I don't drink at shows (much less most other places), so I wasn't mellow at all!  Saturday morning came too fast, and off to the airport we went. 

Although I had a fabulous time, I was grateful to be home where I could use my shower, my scale, and my bed!  Plus, I'm the only one here, and I'm the only one who snores - so that's a bonus!

My Fitbit broke while in Vegas, so only two days got recorded, but I walked over 10,000 steps the two days that are recorded, so I'm going to assume that I walked that much for each day of the trip. That's one thing about Vegas...everything is a walk!

I got a new Fitbit yesterday, and this one has an altimeter (which is nice because I work on the 3rd floor and I live on a 2nd floor walk-up).  Evidently today, I climbed the worlds tallest sandcastle (4 flights). When I upgrade my phone soon, I'll be able to sync with the new phone.  It's just another tool for me to get back on track!

6 months later and I'm still struggling

I'm still here...I'm struggling, with a lot of things.  Mainly finances (which I'm not really going to talk about) and weight. It's been so long since I posted that I don't even know if I have any readers left.

I have regained 20 of the 48 (or 52 if you count the blip of a moment I had), and I can't seem to motivate myself to stick with anything long enough to see any results. And by long enough, I mean even a full day.

I have a closet full of clothes that I can't wear. I get upset when I think about it. When I get upset, I eat.  This has to stop.

I have so many wonderful things going for me. In no particular order of importance, I have a great job (even though, as with all jobs, there is plenty of stress), fantastic friends, a nice home, and a lovely family. I've been blessed with intelligence and a good sense of humor, compassion, and empathy.  What I have not been blessed with is a great metabolism and strong will power...and an ability to put the health of my body first.  And what I mean by health is long term health.  Right now, aside from PCOS, an occasional migraine, flu, etc., my numbers are always good (blood pressure, sugar, etc).  When will that change?

It bothers me that I'm afraid again whether or not I'll fit in an airplane seat.  I flew Southwest last week for a vacation to Las Vegas, and I was fearful when I bought the ticket that I'd have problems with them. Was it enough for me to actually do anything to drop the 20 lbs (and by the way, I'd still have at least another 50 to go after that)? No! I did nothing!!

I could give a bunch of excuses, but the bottom line is I put everything else first, as a convenient excuse to avoid doing the hard work it's going to take to get rid of this weight.  And once I get rid of it, how the hell am I going to keep it off?  One part of me is proud that in the 3 years since I lost the original 48/52 lbs, I've only regained 20 of them, as opposed to all of it back plus more, in just a matter of months, like I've always done before.  I know this isn't maintenance, but I am grateful that I've managed to not regain everything, even though I've regained close to half.

I can do this, right?

I think I'm going to focus on only fun and good things in my next post. Now that I've reacclimated to having my home to myself since Cousin moved out, I have no excuse not to get on my computer and blog. Maybe that will help me stick to what I need to do to take care of myself.

Challenges

October has been an interesting month so far. I'm enjoying my new position tremendously. It's like slipping back into a pair of soft, comfortable jeans. I'm relieved to be out of my old job - both the work and the actual desk. I still have a little bit of work hanging on but that will end soon. I'm mainly grateful to no longer be in the target range of a former co-worker. Everything that is wrong with her professional career is my fault.

For example, because I listened to my parents at 17 years old and went to college, got my degree, and worked my ass off ever since (almost 17 years at this company), its my fault that my former co-worker is being held back from moving in the organization because she does not have anything other than a high school diploma. Never mind that I'm 42, she's 35, and my company has full tuition reimbursement that she has decided not to use in the 10+ years she's been employed there. It's my fault that she isn't progressing. This is not a commentary about degrees vs no degrees. It's a commentary about the stress of being targeted for something I achieved as a kid. This girl would monitor what time I came in, what time I left, if I took my cell phone with me if I left my desk, monitor my Facebook page (until I blocked her), and try to stir the pot with bosses and coworkers. The only thing her targeting did, other than raise my stress level, was to make herself look like an ass. She didn't need my help with that, she did it all on her own. I feel badly for her in some respects as I do think she is taken advantage of sometimes. However, most of the issues are of her own making. She's her own worst enemy.

Which leads me to say that I am also my worst enemy. I don't know why I can't make the daily decisions to get healthy and get this weight off. I had every intention this week of eating better and exercising, but I got my first full-blown migraine Thursday last week, spent a chunk of time Friday in the ER, slept most of the weekend, struggled Monday at work, slept most of yesterday between doc appointments, because of that headache. Today was my first mostly-pain free day in six days and I'm exhausted. When I'm this tired, I don't make good decisions. Tomorrow is a new day though, right? I wish I knew what triggered the headache so it never happens again!

My cousin is HOPEFULLY moving out on Nov 10, which is 1 year and 10 days after moving in. I love her, but want her out so badly that I can taste it!

Overall, although you probably wouldn't think it by reading this post, I'm in a good place right now. My career is going well and my finances are improving because of it. I know what I have to do to get the weight off, and I'm going to do it, 5 lbs at a time. My house is almost my own again, and she will never move in here again (this was the 2nd time). Life is a challenge but its a good challenge right now. I just wish my mom was here to see it.

Good News!

I just got promoted!! I get to work for my old boss!! I think it will include a nice increase...which I may partially use for a personal trainer for a while. Just sayin!!

Trying to Keep it Together

I've had an incredibly stressful two weeks, but I've managed to only go up and down 1-2 lbs. Tomorrow morning I leave for three days in Kansas. Something about traveling makes me want to stuff my face. I think I've mentioned that before.

I'll be home two days, during which I'll be on vacation from work and will be seeing my favorite band for the 2nd time this summer.  They're starting the second leg of their tour Thursday night. I can't wait!

Saturday, I'm going to the west coast of Florida (I live on the east) with my family for Dad's 70th birthday. My mom would be 68 this month, but instead of her being here with her vibrant spirit and love, Dad's companion will be joining us. I keep telling myself that I'm grateful that he has someone to keep him occupied. This is our first family vacation without Mom. We went on one 7 years ago when my nephew was a toddler. My sister was pregnant with my niece. So, my niece has only been on vacation with her grandma while in utero.

I don't want to go too much into what's causing the stress because I'll just get worked up. It's basically work and personal stuff. After all, what else could it be?

I'm going to try very hard to control my eating this week. That's all I can do, is try. I also brought my sneakers. We'll see if I make it to a hotel fitness room.

So Much for Positivity

I binged today. Not sure why. I feel like crap now. Tomorrow is a new day.

Positivity!

I dropped another 2.3 lbs, making my total 2 week loss 5.9!! I'll take it!

Wednesday Hopes

My hopes this day are: 1. Not to eat all day while working from home. I think I'm doing pretty good with that. 2. Get work done. That seems to be happening too, but I'm taking lots of breaks because this task is mind numbing and laborious. 3. Show at least a 1.5 lb loss tomorrow when I weigh in at the clinic and meet with the doctor. I haven't stuck to Optifast only, but I have definitely cut my calories. More tomorrow...and keep your fingers crossed for me!

Positive/Negative!

Today was a good day! The positive is that when I weighed in I lost 3.6 lbs since last week! Negative 3.6!!!! Also today, I had a very positive conversation with a female director in another division. She gave me some constructive criticism that I've heard before, but presented it with ideas on how I can stay under the radar while I'm waiting to find out if/when my next career move will occur. I've been with my company for 16.5 years, 14.5 in my division with 6.5 in my current department. I've been ready for a long time to do something different, and an opportunity seems to be on the horizon. My fear however, is that my new boss, who is also new to our company, could cause me some problems. It happened to me once before, almost ruined my career, and caused the exile to my current department. The "new" boss that did that to me was fired/pushed out a few years ago. This new guy seems nice, but he definitely wants to make his own mark. It is almost like watching a dog with a fire hydrant. I'm not sure he understands that he was not brought in to fix a broken department. He also has quite an adjustment ahead of him to learn our culture. I don't envy him that task, which is why I try to be completely forthcoming when I see him about to do something out of whack. Further, he's been told by pretty much everyone (NOT BY ME) that he's screwed if I leave (which isn't entirely true because no one is irreplaceable). Unfortunately, I think over time that he will take me as a threat...and the director referenced above feels that way too. She said to try to stay away from him as much as possible because when he is finally comfortable in his position, he's going to target me. We both hope that I'm out of there by then. I'm not a threat at all - I didn't want the job, I didn't post for the job, I'm not director material (yet), so all I want to do is do my job and go home. If I make him look good, then I look good (and I've pretty much told him that). There is no incentive, nor is it my nature, to sabatoge or assist in making him look bad. I'm good at what I do but I'm not perfect. So...just trying to stay under the radar with him, and hoping that if he winds up staying and I move on, that we can build a good working relationship. Just don't treat our work like a fire hydrant!!

Housekeeping & such

I updated my weight tickers today. Ugh. Not a pretty site.

I also updated my blogger list. I removed all blogs that haven't been updated in a year or more. It makes me sad...they were such good blogs. I hope the bloggers are doing well.

I haven't been consistently updating, so I think I've been removed from some blog lists as well. Such is life in the blog world!

Today I worked from home, reading pages and pages of documents. This is the first time I've worked on such a project, and I hope to G-d that it's the last time.  I have 40+ more hours to go on it.  ACKKK!  I was doing pretty well with the food until I had a mini-binge during hour 7 today - I ate probably a cup of low fat chicken salad, which is about 500 calories. Other than that, I've done OK, but it brought me up over 1000 calories today. So much for nothing but Optifast!  With that said, I got back on the wagon for dinner and had the OF tomato soup. Pretty tasty.

Tomorrow I'm back in the office, so if I stay away from the cafeteria during lunch, I should be OK. I've never been much of a vending machine person, so I'm not worried about that.  It occurred to me today that one of the (many) reasons the last 15-20 lbs or so have come on in the last 2-3 months is because I stopped having OF shakes in the morning, and have been having regular breakfast food.  I was able to maintain most of the weight loss if I stuck with the shakes.

Right now I'm going to focus on getting 26 pounds off so I can be where I was before, and then I'll focus on going further.  I was inspired on Friday by a good friend of mine that lives in CT. We speak every few weeks, but haven't seen each other in over two years (I miss her!!).  Anyway, she "confessed" to me that she has lost 70 lbs since August 2011, but she wasn't telling people, especially those that wouldn't see her for a long time, because she didn't want to be the focus of a failure (at least, that's what I got from her, not her exact words).  I know exactly what she means.  I was so happy for her when she told me that I started to tear up.  She's had health problems over the years, and I've worried for her. She wants to lose about another 30 lbs or so.

Losing 70 pounds is life changing. I'm so proud of her. She's been doing WW online and walking. I admire her commitment. Staying on any program for any length of time is a challenge. She told me that the "fat clothes" I gave her the last time she visited me (they were too big for me, and still are - thank G-d!) are too big for her and she's going to donate them. I told her GO FOR IT!! Goodbye fat clothes!!!